


To Love and To Lose

by SilentSlayer



Series: The Romance of Endara Lavellan [2]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Battle, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Humor, I Kind of Feel Like Killing a Character, Ivory asked for It, Marriage, Pregnancy, Romance, Sorrow, Unplanned Pregnancy, Well of Sorrows, happiness, i am terrible at tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-10 07:38:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6973462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentSlayer/pseuds/SilentSlayer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Endara de Chalons (formerly Lavellan) arrives in the Arbor Wilds to face Corypheus in what all hope will be the final battle. Her husband Gaspard awaits her, and yet she cannot shake the nagging feeling pulling her deeper inside to the forgotten magic within the temple.<br/>Cullen and Josephine have settled into their blossoming romance and might have a surprise for everyone.<br/>And why does a certain Qunari keep eyeing the Spymaster with so much interest. </p><p>*Warning*<br/>Their will likely be smut. Their will likely be battle scenes. You will laugh, you will swoon, and by the time I'm done you will cry from a mix of sorrow and joy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Arrival of a Queen

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ivory_Inkwell](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ivory_Inkwell/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Endara and her companions arrive to the Arbor Wilds, and her advisers have some unfortunate news.

_ Mon petit, _

  


_ I have sent every available troop I can spare to the Arbor Wilds. I will personally lead them into battle to protect you. Nothing in Thedas or beyond is going to take the love of my heart away from me.  _

  


_ I cannot wait to hold you in my arms, mon reine. My last visit to your fortress was much too brief. My lonely nights are spent dreaming of your beautiful face, and your laughter haunts me as I walk the halls of Halamshiral. I pray to the Maker that this will be the last fight for you. You deserve to be free, and I selfishly need you at my side.  _

  


_ Stay safe, my love. _

  


_ ~Gaspard _

_ ***** _

_ Emma lath, _

  


_ We will arrive to the camp on the eve of battle. Josie tells me you are already there, and that you have greatly assisted Cullen in planning the upcoming fight. I'm glad to see you two getting along so well, and I'm sure your assistance has proven invaluable.  _

  


_ Creators, how I have missed you. I often look up at the stars and wondering if you watch them as well. I know it is silly, but it makes me feel closer to you. Hopefully this is the end, and I will finally be able to take my place at your side. We can only pray the Creators spare my life in the days to come.  _

  


_ Ar lath ma, ma vhenan. _

  


_ Endara  _

_ ***** _

  


The night was warm when the Inquisitor arrived at the camp in the Arbor Wilds. The wind lightly ruffled through the trees, but the air felt heavy around her. There was deep magick here. Old magic. It pulled her in and called to her with a haunting song who's whispered words could not be heard, but she felt their meaning deep within her soul. She closed her eyes and lifted her face to the moon as she let the peace it brought drift through her. 

It was unlike anything she had ever known. More beautiful than the golden halla. More enthralling than her first clean kill that made her a woman in the clan’s eyes. More powerful than her magicks or even the mark upon her hand. This was more than Corypheus or the rift or anything else in all of Thedas, and she craved it with every fibre of her being. 

“Uh- Queenie...” called a familiar voice with worry as Endara’s eyes snapped open. She really hated Varric's nickname for her. 

“ _ Durgen’len _ , I am fine.” She forced herself not to snap at him, but she could not stop the heavy sigh that escaped her as she realized the connection was gone for now. 

“Looks like we have incoming, boss.” Bull’s shadow fell over her as he moved to stand at her side. He nodded towards Cullen, Leliana, and Josephine who were quickly making their way to the camp entrance. 

Endara couldn't help but smile at image of her Ambassador and Commander holding hands as they walked together, though Leliana gave her emotions away for once and actually looked slightly nauseated. All the love in the air didn't seem to agree with the Spymaster, and Endara had to suppress a giggle. 

“Inquisitor,” Cullen nodded to her with that cheeky grin he always wore now that he and Josie were together. The others offered similar greetings and basic pleasantries were exchanged. Yet the elf clearly noticed the way Bull let Leliana’s nickname roll off his tongue as he eyed her for longer than necessary. ‘Red’ had never been rumbled so deeply, but the Spymaster barely acknowledged the hulking Qunari before turning to the Inquisitor. Endara had to hand it to her, the woman was a brick to be able to ignore such obvious interest. 

“We have business to attend to, Inquisitor. Final preparations must be made, and there is a slight- problem with the Emperor.” Endara really needed Leliana to teach her how she could say such things with a blank mask. She could never read her Spymaster, and she envied the woman. 

“Speaking of my husband, where is he?” she asked with slightly more excitement than she meant to. Four months was entirely too long to endure without seeing her dearest Gaspard. 

“He is- uh…” Cullen started to speak but ended up only rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly as he shifted from side to side. He was avoided Endara’s gaze, and a sinking feeling settled into the pit of her stomach. 

“Well doesn't  _ that _ just sound lovely,” Dorian piped with a twirl of his fabulous mustache. 

The three advisers did not speak for several moments, but finally Josephine squeezed Cullen's hand gently before stepping forward. “The Emperor de Chalons refuses to allow us the use of the troops unless he accompanies the Inquisitor inside the temple.”

The silence was deafening. No one seemed to breath. Even Varric was too shocked for words. 

Endara felt like a Ferelden Frostback had kicked her in the stomach again. She opened her mouth and closed it several times, looking almost comical as speech failed her. Finally, she took a deep breath and composed herself as she considered her words carefully. Her husband was a man of his word, and she knew she would have to tread cautiously if she was to keep him safe and still have use of his armies.

“I will speak with him, but there is no way on this Creator damned ground that he is going in there with me!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry. Just had to set the tone for the story.   
> Kudos, comments, hate mail all appreciated.   
> The madness continues!!!!
> 
> Much love,
> 
> SS


	2. No

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who will win the battle of wills between Endara and Gaspard?

_ For every night I lay and dream _ _   
_ _ With every heartbeat true. _ _   
_ _ For every day I sit and wait _ _   
_ _ To hear sweet words from you.  _ _   
_ _   
_ _ The road is long the days more so _ _   
_ _ And yet you still stay strong. _ _   
_ _ Defend our home, protect our love _ _   
_ _ And honor our sacred bond.  _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Your smile your lips with eyes so blue _ _   
_ _ You face it haunts my mind.  _ _   
_ _ So now I wait for lady so fair _ _   
_ __ While time slips slowly by.

*****

 

A collective gasp ran through the troops as Endara approached the large tent on the outskirts of the camp. Chevaliers bowed with polite smiles while at least a dozen scouts ran to tell their Emperor of her approach. An excited hum seemed to buzz in the air. If her task ahead would not have been so grave, she might have giggled at the absurdity of it all. 

Her. Endara. Empress of Orlais and Inquisitor. Keeper Deshanna would never have believed this fuss. 

She herself still found it a little hard to believe at times. Once this fight with Corypheus was over she would take her place at Gaspard's side. And that, quite frankly, terrified her. Give her an army to lead and bad guys to kill and she was fine. A country though? Yeah, that thought didn't almost send her into full blown panic or anything. 

Which was probably why with each slow step closer she trembled. Her gaze was focused on the ground, trying to calm her mind before she entered the tent. Gaspard could read her so well, and she had to focus on the task at hand. 

Okay, one last deep breath before she pushed open the tent flap and stepped inside. She tried to act natural, which was easily achieved when she saw the tall figure standing in the center of the room pouring over a map of the area. 

“Gaspard!” Yes, she did shriek like a girl when she ran to him, and she didn't care who heard. She barely missed the table he was standing by as she threw herself into his arms and he easily caught her small form. No worry or fear could touch her when she was safe in his embrace. 

“ _ Mon petit,  _ how I have missed you, _ ”  _ he sighed as he cradled her close and buried his face into her hair. Nothing else mattered but the small elf in his arms. He would never tire of the way she fit perfectly against him. Or the scent of wild honey that clung to her. She was perfect, she was his, and he would always need her. 

“I missed you too,” she sobbed into his shoulder as her arms tightened around his neck. With him, she could be herself. Her time as the Inquisitor had hardened her. She had to be fearless and strong for her people. But when it was just the two of them, she could be the wild young Dalish woman who had been sent to the Conclave by her keeper. 

She took several moments to fall apart over her joy at seeing him once more. Gentle tears fell and he silently granted her all the time she needed. His relief at seeing her was enough for now. 

Finally, she pulled back and looked up into his soft gray eyes and slight smile as her hand came to rest on his cheek. She didn't have to say I love you, it was written all over her face. And as much as she wanted to stay like this for all eternity, she knew reality would not wait for two star crossed lovers. 

“ _ Ma vhenan _ ,” came the quiet words as her thumb stroked lightly over his bottom lip. “My advisers tell me you want to accompany me into the temple tomorrow.” 

Obviously, subtly was not her specialty. 

His arm around her waist tightened, and for a moment something dark flashed in his eyes before quieting. “I do not want, I demand,” he stated in a stern tone before continuing. “I have sat back these last few months while my wife has paraded all over Southern Thedas and been nearly killed more times than I care to count. I have relied on reports, sometimes weeks old, to know what is happening with you. Do you know what that is like,  _ mon reine _ ? To never know from one day to the next if the love of your life lives?”

She grimaced as he chided her, a deep frown settling over her features. In all honesty, she had never considered what it must have been like on his end. Of course she worried about him in Halamshiral, nobles could be as vicious as dragons at times, but she had never really considered the torture her position as Inquisitor would put him through. 

And she felt ashamed. 

Not because she was inquisitor (they had both known what her duty was going in), but because she hadn't been more attentive to making sure he knew she was safe. 

“Gaspard, I'm sorry,” she apologized as she took his large hand within hers. She tenderly kissed each fingertip before resting his palm on her cheek, and despite his earlier worry, he sighed with contentment at the contact. 

“I am not blaming you,” he softly stated as he brush a stray lock of hair from her eyes. “I simply want you to understand why I must accompany you tomorrow. This will be your most dangerous battle yet, and I cannot allow you to go without being at your side.”

“ _ Ma vhenan, _ ” she sighed as she leaned up to give him a gentle kiss. His concern was really endearing. Her heart melted beneath the weight of his love for her. But passion wasn't the only reason she trailed her lips along his jawline before playfully nipping his earlobe. “I love you, but you cannot go with me,” she whispered against the sensitive flesh, earning her a low growl as she teased him. 

“ _ Lapin,” _ he warned as she felt the muscles beneath her hands tighten. “Do not try to distract me. You are going to say yes to me accompanying you, and then we can move onto more  _ pleasurable _ pursuits.”

He leaned down as he spoke, his hand lightly fisting in her hair as he tilted her head to expose her neck. His lips brushed along the tender skin, and her entire body shuddered as a soft moan escaped her.

Creators, she never won at this game and she hated it. She was going to have to play dirty if she was to succeed. 

“No.”

She pushed away from him and stepped back to put space between them as she crossed her arms defiantly over her chest. He stared at her with his mouth agape as if she had just slapped him. He probably would have preferred that instead of her rejection. Never in their time together had she denied him in such a way. 

“What do you mean ‘no’?” he asked as his eyes narrowed. She couldn't help but grin slightly as she noticed his handle ball into a tight fist at his side. 

Good, she had his attention. 

“I mean no. As in, you are going to listen to what I have to say first. And depending on your answer, depends on whether or not I kick Varric out of his tent and sleep there tonight.” Her voice only shook a little as she spoke, and she took a deep breath to calm herself as she watched for his reaction. Yep, the tense lines on his face told her he was angry. She needed to hurry this up if she was going to keep the upper hand. “I need you on the front lines. I cannot trust Cullen to do this alone. Your men trust you. They would follow you to the Void and beyond. If you want to protect me and keep me safe, then I need you to be the strong military leader who stole my heart that first night in Halamshiral.”

“But  _ lapin- _ ” she held up her hand to cut off his protest. Creators, she was being bold tonight. Gaspard had no idea what had gotten into his little Empress, and it froze his voice as much as her gesture. 

“I am not finished yet,” she stated with determination before continuing. “I cannot face Corypheus and Samson if I have to worry about red templars at my back. I cannot stay alive if you are not keeping Corypheus’ forces busy.  _ I. Need. You.  _ To do this for me.”

Silence met her as she finished. Her breathing was heavy, as if she had just ran across the Emerald Graves chasing after shades. She didn't like having to be this way with him, but if it kept him safe then by the Creators she would do it. 

Gaspard began pacing as she stood there. His brow was furrowed, hands locked behind his back as he considered her words. He paused several times and opened his mouth to speak, only to quickly shut it and resume his motions. For her part, Endara let him be. He needed to work through this, and she could clearly see his mind fighting for some excuse against what she had said. 

“I don't like this,” he finally growled as he slammed his hand down on the lone table in the room. Endara suppressed a giggle as she realized she had won. “But you are right,  _ mon petit. _ I will do as you wish, but you must promise to come back to me safe.”

A smile finally broke across her face as she nodded. She really wanted to start dancing with joy, but she contained herself. ‘Do not poke the bear.’ She could hear Keeper Deshanna’s warning even now. 

“I will always come back to you,” she promised as she crossed the room and took her place at his side. She extended her hand to him, worrying her lip as she waited for his response. 

“You had better,” he threatened halfheartedly as he took her hand and pulled her against his side. 

“Now, my little Empress,” he added with a glint in his eyes that she knew all too well. She could already feel heat curling in her belly as she saw his hungry look. “Is your answer still no?” he questioned. 

“Did you really think I could resist you,  _ emma lath?”  _ she teased as she tugged him towards the large bed at the side of the room. He looked dumbfounded for a moment, before chuckling as he followed behind her. 

“You are lucky I love you,” he groaned as he realized he had been played. 

“Yes. Yes I am,” she agreed with a knowing sparkle in her eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am still not satisfied with this chapter but I'm tired of toying with it.   
> The next few chapters will likely be focused on other characters (unless I get in the mood for Gaspard/Endara smut).   
> We are going to spend a lot of time on the night before the battle before we move on.  
> Thank for playing 
> 
> Much love,
> 
> SS


End file.
